oh my gosh, where to start!!!! the way you are portraying the bittersweetness of death and the heartaches of doing the wrong thing is so real and elaborate!!!
Baekhyun replies with a wink, and Minseok can't tell if he's deliberately being inappropriate or actually trying to flirt. THATS JUST VERY BAEKHYUN OK I LIKE THIS LINE
He doesn't realize, as the spark fades from his eyes and his breathing stills with one last rattling exhale, that he's done so many right things too. OH GOSH MY HEART MY HEART MY SENTIMENTS PRECISELY
the only comments i have is just to make the sort of suicide thing a little more lengthy because those emotions have such rich thoughts that i believe you could've gone a tiny bit more on that :-)
the way you write is just so chock full of emotion and sinuous curves of words that just moves me in such a way, like an ellen hopkins book, with slightly less profanity. (it's a compliment, i promise) it's the kind of works that are hard to read, but in a good way, because they're so intricate you have to slow down and take it apart piece by piece to know what the author is truly trying to portray to the reader. thanks for writing this piece of loveliness and have a great day <3
that was my attempt on writing an actually good comment orz
Thanks so much!! I'm really sorry for replying so late - I'm a terrible person >< (swamped with writing etc.)
I didn't intend it to be suicide so I'm sorry if it came off that way - (worried face in case people think my warnings are lacking ;; ) but tbh I wrote this on the plane from Guangzhou to Singapore and didn't edit it - just dumped it on here when I had wi-fi (for a few minutes in the airport until I got to the apartment) so it probably deserves a thorough beta-ing >< I'll definitely keep your advice in mind! (though I can't promise when that will be ;; )
But definitely there's a LOT of guilt and emotions and yearning and lost future in his head as he lies there, dying, so I will definitely look at that ♡ thank you so much!
Thank you so much for reading and commenting (and the fact that you read a rare pair - bless you)
wow....I had to read this because of the title and it's so good! this is one of your pieces that feels compelling in a heavy sort of way....I think often I'm yearning for more glimpses after I finish reading some of your other short fics but the emotional weight of this one feels fully formed and intentional to me, especially the way it was framed with the premonition of death from the very beginning.
I can't copy // paste because of my phone but I like the tone of this just overall. it feels more straightforward and clipped, even though we still get to see a lot of Minseok's nternal thought processes. it complements Minseok's sort of zen about the whole thing up until his death.
Last moments of life stream of consciousness type narratives are so intriguing because who knows what exactly goes through someone's head, but it's an interesting twist he felt so much regret at the end after his resignation from morning--it makes me wonder, was he really that composed and resigned to it afterall?
It's funny that you mention having to read the story because of the title, because it's the title that was actually the seed of this story. On the plane from Seoul to Guangzhou, (after the excellent Before I Go to Sleep) they showed the movie Dangerously Excited. I won't go into depth about the plot and it's not important anyway, but there's an indie band and in one section they're trying to think of a name. All of their names are, in my opinion, worse than ridiculous, and yet the camera just flashed on a neon sign, strange fruit and it just frustrated me that such a great name would go to waste. The way the words were also shaped, and the neon, I can't remember if it was red or orange or pinkish, but it reminded me of the movie M (and by extension Mimi, though I haven't seen it yet). The aesthetic of dark alleys, water pooling on the asphalt, puddles of darkness reflecting the world sideways.
While I was thinking about this, on the plane from Guangzhou to Singapore, they were playing the movie Fury and one scene (among a broad backdrop of people killing each other, and these wars always make me think of people killing themselves, just on opposite sides of the mirror) in particular stood out for me. Brad Pitt's character made Logan Lerman's character shoot a man point black in the head even though Lerman's character didn't want to. Pitt's character physically held his hand. And it was so horrible, so real, that I had to write something about it. That tangible guilt. That knowing that you have killed a man and you will never be forgiven, never forgive yourself. I'll get back to this later.
While I was watching this, I was listening to the Rurouni Kenshin live action soundtrack, particularly track 12, けらくの夢. There's a scene in Rurouni Kenshin, I think it's the first time he assassinates someone? He gets the first part of the X scar on his face that time, and he's touching it in the rain, going back to the scene of the murder in the morning, watching the dead man's new wife, now a widow, crying bitterly over the loss of her husband. Collateral damage. Guilt.
The title, full circle, also brings me back to one of my favourite songs of all time, Kanye West's Blood on the Leaves, which samples from Nina Simone's rendition of the song Strange Fruit, more famously sung by Billie Holiday. Finally, I was looking down my list of pairings yet to write and saw Xiuris, admittedly a somewhat tricky ship for me.
And that's how this all came together, and that's my answer to your question. He was resigned to his death in the morning, because he only thought he was going to die. His regret at the end was because he did something unforgivable before the end. Kenshin's character in Rurouni Kenshini is working for redemption. Minseok never had the chance. He died as he watched another die, another he had killed for the wrong reasons (and, back to Fury, isn't war always the wrong reason?). The laughter in the dark of the serial killer, escaped again, was Brad Pitt holding Logan Lerman's hand, was the people lynching black people in Strange Fruit, was Jin-e, Takeda Kanryū and Saitō Hajime forcing Kenshin's hand back into the fray. Minseok was an example of the policeman who shot Michael Brown. A society that puts thoughts in our heads and weapons in our hands and pulls the trigger, leaving us to deal with our unforgivable guilt.
Ironically enough, part of the inspiration for this story was the shiritori sukai I was originally going to write (I wrote Oubliette instead, ("a little forgetting"), you can check my a/n for the interesting note there. It was at the time of the Michael Brown shooting so a friend advised me not to write my original story which was Junmyeon the police officer accidentally mistaking Jongin a teen for a wanted suspect because of his large bag, and shooting him (so I wrote a Taokai instead where Jongin is a killer)). It's ironic, the similarity between that original sukai where I wasn't thinking about politics but the timing happened that way, compared to the the xiuris where I was, at least subconsciously, thanks to Fury and other things.
In conclusion, the end can be sweet. Fruit is sweet, silky on the tongue, the cool juice refreshing, slipping down one's throat. But by the end of the story, the end is not sweet. The fruit has gone sour, rotten, Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze / Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees. It's even more bitter because the one Minseok kills is his friend. Barely met and yet so much potential. There's another body, lying in the lane, and this one didn't wake up knowing he would die. He woke up living. They are all our friends, the ones we kill. We just don't know it yet. Minseok had the misfortune of knowing.
I'm sorry for the long explanation, but it turns out that I had too much to say. ;;
please don't apologize for detailed explanations! the overlap of aesthetic and philosophical explorations is something I love, I'm sure you have realized by now. Mimi definitely has the same aesthetic for the scenes in the bar//cafe place, the rain at night in the deserted alleys of a city. very eerie and isolating. almost uncanny valley to me.
oh yeah, I wondered if it had something to do with Michael Brown, mostly because of the title and also because of some things you mentioned back in October. society pulling the trigger...I think that's a unique perspective of collective guilt I haven't heard much because what is more human than blame shifting and finger pointing, internalizing things that are too broad and overwhelming to deal with alone in one's head and turning to denial upon realizing it can't be handled. maybe that's the key then, learning to forgive together as well.
potential is the true tragedy of death on the universal scale, when reality becomes immortalized in the fictions of what could have been. you can mourn for anyone in that sense, like the John Donne quote: “Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”
I didn't write the story with Michael Brown specifically in mind, but he's been weighing on me a lot in the past months, and keeps popping up in the casual mini-essays I write for my church blog as well as random poetry, along with things like Chapel Hill, the shooting in the Pakistan school, Israel/Palestine, Sewol etc. And Michael Brown is just an example of a much larger problem. Often when I write something I just write it, and afterwards I go back and figure out what I actually meant.
I liked what you said about forgiveness; I'm a huge believer in forgiveness, though it probably doesn't look like it in this story and I'm sorry about that. But in terms of guilt and forgiveness, I think that our very identities are shaped by our culture, religion, history and so to lay blame on an individual alone—no man is an island (another quote from John Donne, coincidentally enough)—is very short-sighted and doesn't resolve anything. It's just as much my fault that there are the proverbial "starving children in Africa", my economic choices further reinforce an economic and political system that makes it more lucrative for non-sample export crops to be grown, rather than food. I could go on about this for days. We are collectively guilty. And we can only receive forgiveness in the same manner. A Native Canadian person, forgiving the culture and politics and system that took them away from their family and culture and identify and forced them to assimilate in residential schools—only by coming to peace with the past can they take the step forward. Forgiveness does not remove the wrong-doing. It is not erased. Forgiveness embraces it, accepts it, digests it, covers it with love and detaches from it, allowing both parties to move on towards a better future.
I also really like what you say about tragedy because that's so true. That's why the death of a younger person or child seems to hit harder than that of a senior citizen, although the loss can be just as crushing. It's the potential that we mourn, just like its the potential that gets crushed out of oppressed people around the world. The person in an article I just read who can't get a job despite their multi-lingual translation abilities because of their lack of qualifications. It is not only possible to mourn the dead. It is also necessary and possible to mourn the living.
So I think it would be interesting to write this story from Kris' point of view and maybe I will someday. I think it would be very different. I wonder what he saw, those moments as the stars in his eyes faded.
Forgiveness embraces it, accepts it, digests it, covers it with love and detaches from it, allowing both parties to move on towards a better future. I love this. this is really true. If you find time to tell Kris' story one day I would love to read it <3
You played with my heart, I thought only one of those two will die but no. /heart breaks
You did mention beforehand (but I forgot as soon I started to read) [Also I read the summary back and definitely missed the foreboding warning] Minseok wakes up that Monday morning with the certainty that today is going to be his last day
Everything happens too fast. :( IDnnLMSPA[O=-DO0DI0D8HC /is sad
You always do it like this, it's fast but somehow slow. (I don't know how to explain though, it's beautiful, yet killing)
I just love and hate, love and hate, love and hate the sentences after the puddle of water. You write beautiful things, you know that right? I can keep reading the sentences over and over again.
The only regret I have is that this fic isn't longer. I could seriously see how engaging this could be if you can expand more on... well, on everything. You've made a good start for making me interested in the setting but now I'm thirsty for more. Thanks for the interesting read!
Thanks for reading and commenting! This was actually just the idea of a scene - lying on the ground, dying, seeing a neon sign reflected in a puddle and trying to understand what went wrong. I probably won't expand on this so I'm sorry for disappointing you *bows apologetically* but I'm glad you found the setting interesting!
It's not stalkerish ♡ I'm sorry that I'm so disorganized and most of my stories aren't even on here ;; thank you so much for reading and commenting and I'm glad you liked it. ^^
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theblueintheday2015-03-04 02:32 am
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Baekhyun replies with a wink, and Minseok can't tell if he's deliberately being inappropriate or actually trying to flirt.
THATS JUST VERY BAEKHYUN OK I LIKE THIS LINE
He doesn't realize, as the spark fades from his eyes and his breathing stills with one last rattling exhale, that he's done so many right things too.
OH GOSH MY HEART MY HEART MY SENTIMENTS PRECISELY
the only comments i have is just to make the sort of suicide thing a little more lengthy because those emotions have such rich thoughts that i believe you could've gone a tiny bit more on that :-)
the way you write is just so chock full of emotion and sinuous curves of words that just moves me in such a way, like an ellen hopkins book, with slightly less profanity. (it's a compliment, i promise) it's the kind of works that are hard to read, but in a good way, because they're so intricate you have to slow down and take it apart piece by piece to know what the author is truly trying to portray to the reader. thanks for writing this piece of loveliness and have a great day <3
that was my attempt on writing an actually good comment orz
no subject
I didn't intend it to be suicide so I'm sorry if it came off that way - (worried face in case people think my warnings are lacking ;; ) but tbh I wrote this on the plane from Guangzhou to Singapore and didn't edit it - just dumped it on here when I had wi-fi (for a few minutes in the airport until I got to the apartment) so it probably deserves a thorough beta-ing >< I'll definitely keep your advice in mind! (though I can't promise when that will be ;; )
But definitely there's a LOT of guilt and emotions and yearning and lost future in his head as he lies there, dying, so I will definitely look at that ♡ thank you so much!
Thank you so much for reading and commenting (and the fact that you read a rare pair - bless you)
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I can't copy // paste because of my phone but I like the tone of this just overall. it feels more straightforward and clipped, even though we still get to see a lot of Minseok's nternal thought processes. it complements Minseok's sort of zen about the whole thing up until his death.
Last moments of life stream of consciousness type narratives are so intriguing because who knows what exactly goes through someone's head, but it's an interesting twist he felt so much regret at the end after his resignation from morning--it makes me wonder, was he really that composed and resigned to it afterall?
no subject
While I was thinking about this, on the plane from Guangzhou to Singapore, they were playing the movie Fury and one scene (among a broad backdrop of people killing each other, and these wars always make me think of people killing themselves, just on opposite sides of the mirror) in particular stood out for me. Brad Pitt's character made Logan Lerman's character shoot a man point black in the head even though Lerman's character didn't want to. Pitt's character physically held his hand. And it was so horrible, so real, that I had to write something about it. That tangible guilt. That knowing that you have killed a man and you will never be forgiven, never forgive yourself. I'll get back to this later.
While I was watching this, I was listening to the Rurouni Kenshin live action soundtrack, particularly track 12, けらくの夢. There's a scene in Rurouni Kenshin, I think it's the first time he assassinates someone? He gets the first part of the X scar on his face that time, and he's touching it in the rain, going back to the scene of the murder in the morning, watching the dead man's new wife, now a widow, crying bitterly over the loss of her husband. Collateral damage. Guilt.
The title, full circle, also brings me back to one of my favourite songs of all time, Kanye West's Blood on the Leaves, which samples from Nina Simone's rendition of the song Strange Fruit, more famously sung by Billie Holiday. Finally, I was looking down my list of pairings yet to write and saw Xiuris, admittedly a somewhat tricky ship for me.
no subject
Ironically enough, part of the inspiration for this story was the shiritori sukai I was originally going to write (I wrote Oubliette instead, ("a little forgetting"), you can check my a/n for the interesting note there. It was at the time of the Michael Brown shooting so a friend advised me not to write my original story which was Junmyeon the police officer accidentally mistaking Jongin a teen for a wanted suspect because of his large bag, and shooting him (so I wrote a Taokai instead where Jongin is a killer)). It's ironic, the similarity between that original sukai where I wasn't thinking about politics but the timing happened that way, compared to the the xiuris where I was, at least subconsciously, thanks to Fury and other things.
In conclusion, the end can be sweet. Fruit is sweet, silky on the tongue, the cool juice refreshing, slipping down one's throat. But by the end of the story, the end is not sweet. The fruit has gone sour, rotten, Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze / Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees. It's even more bitter because the one Minseok kills is his friend. Barely met and yet so much potential. There's another body, lying in the lane, and this one didn't wake up knowing he would die. He woke up living. They are all our friends, the ones we kill. We just don't know it yet. Minseok had the misfortune of knowing.
I'm sorry for the long explanation, but it turns out that I had too much to say. ;;
no subject
oh yeah, I wondered if it had something to do with Michael Brown, mostly because of the title and also because of some things you mentioned back in October. society pulling the trigger...I think that's a unique perspective of collective guilt I haven't heard much because what is more human than blame shifting and finger pointing, internalizing things that are too broad and overwhelming to deal with alone in one's head and turning to denial upon realizing it can't be handled. maybe that's the key then, learning to forgive together as well.
potential is the true tragedy of death on the universal scale, when reality becomes immortalized in the fictions of what could have been. you can mourn for anyone in that sense, like the John Donne quote: “Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.”
no subject
I liked what you said about forgiveness; I'm a huge believer in forgiveness, though it probably doesn't look like it in this story and I'm sorry about that. But in terms of guilt and forgiveness, I think that our very identities are shaped by our culture, religion, history and so to lay blame on an individual alone—no man is an island (another quote from John Donne, coincidentally enough)—is very short-sighted and doesn't resolve anything. It's just as much my fault that there are the proverbial "starving children in Africa", my economic choices further reinforce an economic and political system that makes it more lucrative for non-sample export crops to be grown, rather than food. I could go on about this for days. We are collectively guilty. And we can only receive forgiveness in the same manner. A Native Canadian person, forgiving the culture and politics and system that took them away from their family and culture and identify and forced them to assimilate in residential schools—only by coming to peace with the past can they take the step forward. Forgiveness does not remove the wrong-doing. It is not erased. Forgiveness embraces it, accepts it, digests it, covers it with love and detaches from it, allowing both parties to move on towards a better future.
I also really like what you say about tragedy because that's so true. That's why the death of a younger person or child seems to hit harder than that of a senior citizen, although the loss can be just as crushing. It's the potential that we mourn, just like its the potential that gets crushed out of oppressed people around the world. The person in an article I just read who can't get a job despite their multi-lingual translation abilities because of their lack of qualifications. It is not only possible to mourn the dead. It is also necessary and possible to mourn the living.
So I think it would be interesting to write this story from Kris' point of view and maybe I will someday. I think it would be very different. I wonder what he saw, those moments as the stars in his eyes faded.
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This is so sad im going to curl up in my bed and cry
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/heart breaks
You did mention beforehand (but I forgot as soon I started to read)
[Also I read the summary back and definitely missed the foreboding warning]
Minseok wakes up that Monday morning with the certainty that today is going to be his last day
Everything happens too fast. :(
IDnnLMSPA[O=-DO0DI0D8HC /is sad
You always do it like this, it's fast but somehow slow.
(I don't know how to explain though, it's beautiful, yet killing)
I just love and hate, love and hate, love and hate the sentences after the puddle of water.
You write beautiful things, you know that right?
I can keep reading the sentences over and over again.
Thank you for writing this! <333
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Yes it's just a little story I wrote on the airplane >< too bored lol and nothing to do I guess? But I loved the idea.
Sorry for the part after the puddle *wibbly face* I got into angry essay writing mode I guess
but thank you so much for reading (♡o♡) and I hope you found lots of happy things to read afterwards to cheer up
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and i have to say wow this was amazing
i don't know what this is
but it tugged at my heartstrings and just
amazing. :D
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thank you so much for reading and commenting and I'm glad you liked it. ^^